One beautiful Sunday morning,
a pastor announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here
in my hands three sermons...a $1000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a
$500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a
full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll
We were driving in the church bus, doing a midnight run where we give out
coats, bibles, coffee, food, and the good word to the homeless in our
area. We passed two girls on the road and the pastor asked them if they
needed a coat or food. They said no. He asked them if they wanted a coke.
They replied, "No, we're straight!"
Another Way to Pray
An old gentleman was strolling
through the park one beautiful day when he came upon child sitting on a
bench, busily saying his ABC's. The old man waited until the child was
through, then said, "I see you're practicing your alphabet."
"No," replied the child. "I was
praying. You see, I don't know how to pray very well so I just give God
the letters and he puts them into the right words!"
Once upon a time in the kingdom of
Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the
archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of
God, "Where have you been?"
God released a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael . Look what I've
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's
a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael , still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For
example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity
and wealth but cold and harsh, while southern Europe is going to
be poor but sunny and pleasant.
I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched
deserts. This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land
mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Illinois , the most glorious place on
earth. There will be beautiful prairies, grasslands, farms,
streams, abundant wild game and birds, rolling hills and
woodlands. The people from Illinois are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be
found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
hardworking and high achieving and they will be known throughout
the world as diplomats and ambassadors of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in
Springfield , Cook County , and Chicago 's City Hall."