Church Chuckles

Page 4

Three Sermons

One beautiful Sunday morning, a pastor announced to his congregation:   "My good  people,  I have here in my hands three sermons...a $1000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.


Church Bus

We were driving in the church bus, doing a midnight run where we give out coats, bibles, coffee, food, and the good word to the homeless in our area. We passed two girls on the road and the pastor asked them if they needed a coat or food. They said no. He asked them if they wanted a coke. They replied, "No, we're straight!"


Another Way to Pray

An old gentleman was strolling through the park one beautiful day when he came upon child sitting on a bench, busily saying his ABC's. The old man waited until the child was through, then said, "I see you're practicing your alphabet."

"No," replied the child. "I was praying. You see, I don't know how to pray very well so I just give God the letters and he puts them into the right words!"



Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God released a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael . Look what I've created."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"  "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael , still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh, while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant.
I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

 "Ah," said God. "That's Illinois , the most glorious place on earth.  There will be beautiful prairies, grasslands, farms, streams, abundant wild game and birds, rolling hills and woodlands. The people from Illinois are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and ambassadors of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Springfield , Cook County , and Chicago 's City Hall."