Not Too funny
The Pastor was approached by a visitor after the Mass. "Pastor", she
said. "I really appreciated your sermon. However, there's just one thing.
I still can't figure out what the connection was between your text and
the rest of the sermon."
A Priest, Rabbi and
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern University in Marquette. They would get together
two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop. One day, someone made
the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real
challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they
decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the
woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days
later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to
find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap
me. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, by the grace of
God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory
voice, he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't
sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to
read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with
me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick
DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became
as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship -
feasting on God's Holy Word and praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out
of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You
fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of
those hairy buggers!
A funeral service is being held in a church for
a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the
pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the
casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the
women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A
ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers
are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls
out, "Watch out for the wall!"
was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them, "If I sold
my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the
church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If
I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat
and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"
Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then,
if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my
husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked. Again, they all
answered, "NO!" She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she
continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted
out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Inspirational speaker Dr. Wayne Dyer still
remembers the card his kids gave him for his 64th birthday. The front
said, "Inside is a message from God." Pleased they finally
appreciated his work, he opened it to read, "Hope to See you soon!"