was at Michigan to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a
special telephone near the Wolverines’ bench. He asked Coach Lloyd Carr
what it was used for and he was told it was a hotline to God. Keith asked
if he could use it. Lloyd replied, 'Sure, but it will cost you $300.'
Keith scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could use some
help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid $300. Keith's picks
were perfect that week.
The next week, Keith was at USC when he
noticed that same kind of phone on the Trojans’ bench. He asked what the
telephone was for and Coach Pete Carroll told him, 'It's a hotline to God
if you want to use it, it will cost you $500.' Recalling the previous
week, Keith pulled out his wallet and made the call. Keith’s picks were
perfect again that week.
Last weekend, Keith was at Notre Dame,
when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Fighting Irish’s'
bench. He asked Coach Charlie Weis, 'Is that the hotline to God?' Charlie
said, 'Yes, and if you want to use it, it will cost you 10 cents.'
Keith looked incredulously at Charlie and
said, 'Wait a second, I just paid $300 at
$500 at USC to use the same phone to God! Why does Notre Dame only charge
10 cents?' Charlie replied, 'Because in South Bend, it's a local
call...Welcome to God's Country.'
Brett Farve, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God
was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded
Packers flag in the window.
"This house is your for eternity, Brett", said
God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Brett felt special, indeed, and walked up to
his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house
just around the corner.
It was a 3-story mansion with a navy and
orange sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous
Bears logo flag, and in every window, an orange Bears towel.
Brett looked at God and said "God, I'm not
trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro
quarterback, I hold many NFL records, and even went to the Hall
God said "So what's your point Brett?"
"Well, why does Brain Urlacher get a better
house than me?"
God chuckled and said "Brett that's not
Brain's house, it's mine."
Jesus vs. Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an
on-going argument about who was better
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly
God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God
said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test
that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will
judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat
down at the keyboards and typed away.
They e-mailed with
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and
They created charts and
They did some genealogy
They did every job known
Jesus worked with
heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten
minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the
power went off..
Satan stared at his
blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity
came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan
started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all
GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly
started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of
work. Satan observed this and became irate."Wait!" he screamed.
"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I
don't have any?"
God just shrugged and
Sparse Church Attendance
The preacher was growing concerned about sparse attendance, so he
published this item in the church bulletin: This . . . is . . . the . . .
way . . . the . . . church . . . sometimes . . . looks . . . to . . . the
. . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes . . . into . . . the . . .
Cars In Heaven
It seems the Deacon died and went to heaven. When
Saint Peter met him at the gate, he explained that because of all of his
good deeds done on earth, he would be given a Mercedes for his heavenly
transportation. "It could have been a Rolls Royce", the Deacon commented.
"But there were a number of deficiencies in your record, so this is the
best we can do for you."
A while later, the Music Director died, and also appeared before
Peter. She didn't fare quite so well, but was given a Yugo to drive.
Although she accepted this graciously, inwardly she was upset, especially
when she saw the Deacon driving around heaven in his silver grey
Then one day, as the Deacon rounded a corner, she saw that the Music
Director had had a terrible accident. Her Yugo had crashed into a tree,
and it appeared to be totally wrecked. And then he noticed that the Music
Director was outside the car, and was laughing uncontrollably.
So the Deacon pulled his Mercedes to the curb, and jumped out to inquire
what had happened. "What's going on?" he asked. "Why are you standing
here laughing when you just smashed up your car?" "Because," said the
Music Director between gasps for air, "I just saw the Pastor go by on