Church Chuckles

Page 1

Keith Jackson

Keith Jackson was at Michigan to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Wolverines’ bench. He asked Coach Lloyd Carr what it was used for and he was told it was a hotline to God. Keith asked if he could use it. Lloyd replied, 'Sure, but it will cost you $300.' Keith scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid $300. Keith's picks were perfect that week.

The next week, Keith was at USC when he noticed that same kind of phone on the Trojans’ bench. He asked what the telephone was for and Coach Pete Carroll told him, 'It's a hotline to God if you want to use it, it will cost you $500.' Recalling the previous week, Keith pulled out his wallet and made the call. Keith’s picks were perfect again that week.

Last weekend, Keith was at Notre Dame, when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Fighting Irish’s' bench. He asked Coach Charlie Weis, 'Is that the hotline to God?' Charlie said, 'Yes, and if you want to use it, it will cost you 10 cents.'

Keith looked incredulously at Charlie and said, 'Wait a second, I just paid $300 at
Michigan and $500 at USC to use the same phone to God! Why does Notre Dame only charge 10 cents?' Charlie replied, 'Because in South Bend, it's a local call...Welcome to God's Country.'


Bears House

Brett Farve, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Packers flag in the window.

"This house is your for eternity, Brett", said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Brett felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner.

It was a 3-story mansion with a navy and orange sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous  Bears logo flag, and in every window, an orange Bears towel.

Brett looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro quarterback, I hold many NFL records, and even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Brett?"

"Well, why does Brain Urlacher get a better house than me?"

God chuckled and said "Brett that's not Brain's house, it's mine."


Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate."Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,



Sparse Church Attendance

The preacher was growing concerned about sparse attendance, so he published this item in the church bulletin: This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . . church . . . sometimes . . . looks . . . to . . . the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes . . . into . . . the . . . pulpit. Itwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch


Cars In Heaven

It seems the Deacon died and went to heaven. When Saint Peter met him at the gate, he explained that because of all of his good deeds done on earth, he would be given a Mercedes for his heavenly transportation. "It could have been a Rolls Royce", the Deacon commented. "But there were a number of deficiencies in your record, so this is the best we can do for you."
A while later, the Music Director died, and also appeared before Peter. She didn't fare quite so well, but was given a Yugo to drive. Although she accepted this graciously, inwardly she was upset, especially when she saw the  Deacon driving around heaven in his silver grey Mercedes.
Then one day, as the Deacon rounded a corner, she saw that the Music Director had had a terrible accident. Her Yugo had crashed into a tree, and it appeared to be totally wrecked. And then he noticed that the Music Director was outside the car, and was laughing uncontrollably.
So the Deacon pulled his Mercedes to the curb, and jumped out to inquire what had happened. "What's going on?" he asked. "Why are you standing here laughing when you just smashed up your car?" "Because," said the Music Director between gasps for air, "I just saw the Pastor go by on roller blades."